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misanagiHollow 3/7
Rating: NC17
Pairings: 1x2, (1x2)+4 (friendship), 3x5.
Warnings: Angst, post EW, language, empathy. Heero's POV
Summary: After the war Heero has found his way, but some of the pilots are still trying to find theirs.
Very special thanks to Anne for the beta, and to everyone I ever spammed with snippets of this fic, and encouraged me to write. *hugs you all*
Previous chapters can be found here.
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Chapter Three
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Quatre and Duo were away. Another transport had come this morning and they were busy. I decided to stay at home and do some work. It wasn't that I was behind, I was actually ahead, but I liked the distraction. An empty house can give you too much to think about when there's nothing to do. However, I couldn't concentrate. My thoughts kept going back to what Quatre had told us the night before.
The glow I had seen the first night Quatre was here suddenly made sense. He was the reason I had woken up from my nightmare, why I hadn't felt guilty like I usually did afterwards. Whatever he had done to me wasn't exactly the same as he had done to his sister because I could still feel a knife in my heart every time I remembered that little girl and her dog.
Work was going slow. I closed the program and decided to focus on what was really bothering me: Quatre and his sister. After finding out in one of the L4 papers to which hospital Saidah Winner had been taken after her unfortunate collapse, it wasn't difficult to hack the hospital files.
She had been unconscious when she was admitted, but none of the doctors could give a reason for her condition. They kept her under observation for three days, in which they could find nothing, and on the fourth she woke up. Her brain waves were back to normal and she was in perfect condition. The doctors had concluded that it was exhaustion that drove her over the limit. They sent her home, recommending plenty of rest and a healthy diet.
Saidah had recovered completely, which meant that the effects of Quatre's power weren't permanent. But he had still run. Empathy wasn't something I really understood. There wasn't enough information on the subject and it could never be considered an exact science. The only way we could help Quatre control his powers was by experimentation. Trial and error.
* * *
Duo rang to tell me that he and Quatre were going out for a beer, and wouldn't be home for dinner. I understood the message: they needed to talk. Hilde already knew that they wouldn't be having dinner with us, so she just made a light salad and some sandwiches for us to share.
I sat in her kitchen, eating while she told me about her day. She couldn't be happier to have Quatre here since with his help the work was finished a lot sooner than what they were used to. And then she said, "Maybe now Jeffrey and I can take the time to go out on that date."
I put my fork down and glared at her. She just grinned. "He asked me out a while ago but work has been crazy for us both so we just kept postponing it."
"Why wasn't I informed of this before?" I should have noticed something was wrong. Jeffrey had seemed overly nervous around me lately.
"Oh no, Heero Yuy, you are not going to scare this one off!" She was pointing at me with her fork. "He's nice, you said so yourself a few weeks ago."
"That was before," I grumbled. "Now it's different."
She didn't look happy. "I swear that if you scare this one off I won't ever cook for you or that over protective boyfriend of yours ever again."
I remained quiet and turned my glare to my plate. We ate silently for a while before Hilde asked tentatively. "Is Quatre okay?"
"No, but we will help him." Hilde was one of the few people outside the other pilots that I trusted. She had earned my respect when she got us the data on Libra, and she had earned my trust in the time Duo and I lived with her. She didn't know Quatre any more that he knew her but she cared, I could see it in her eyes, so she deserved to know.
"Yesterday, when he came to help with the food, something weird happened."
I stopped eating and gave her my full attention.
"We were setting up the table," she continued. "For a moment everything was alright and then he lost his balance. I went to help him but he mumbled an excuse and ran for the bathroom. When he came back he seemed fine, and I didn't ask."
Maybe his empathy was acting up again. He was feeling something and he ran so Hilde wouldn't see him. I wondered if he glowed like he did that night. "What time was it?"
She looked up. "Around six thirty, I think."
At that time, Duo and I were having sex.
* * *
They didn't get home until late that night. I was already in bed, the lights turned off as I tried to fall asleep. I was still awake when Duo opened the door slowly and slipped quietly inside. Quatre was leaning on him. His eyes were closed and he was trusting Duo to guide him.
"Need help?" I asked in a whisper.
Duo nodded and gave me a smile. I could smell the alcohol before I reached them. They had drunk more than beers. Duo likes vodka. He says you can drink it in cocktails when it's time to celebrate or straight when it's time to cry. I had no doubt which way they had drank it tonight.
We stripped Quatre from his working overalls, and took off his boots and socks. He never opened his eyes but he was conscious, I could tell by the way he breathed. While Duo stripped himself, I pulled Quatre to the bed. Last night he hadn't argued about his sleeping arrangements, and Duo and I had taken him to bed with us. He had slept on the corner again, and in the morning, with the sound of the alarm clock, he had almost fallen out of bed.
Tonight, I wanted him to feel safe. I led him to the middle of the bed, and before I settled his head on the pillow I looked up at Duo and asked without words if it was okay. He grinned, and I could see in his eyes that even if he'd had his share of vodka tonight he wasn't drunk. He settled on Quatre's other side, and pulled the covers over us all.
He leaned towards me, careful not to disturb Quatre. He kissed me deeply, and I could taste the vodka in his mouth. "I love you, Heero," he said. "I love you." He kissed me again, went back to his side of the bed, and closed his eyes.
I stared at Duo and then at Quatre sleeping beside him, and I wondered if tonight they had made a toast to love.
* * *
I woke up to a small gasp.
Thanks to my training I awoke instantly to the smallest of noises. I can go back to sleep if the sound doesn't deserve my attention, but this time it did. Quatre was looking at me. His lips slightly parted and his eyes still blinking, trying to get adjusted to the light. He turned to Duo and then back at me. "I shouldn't be here."
I grabbed his hand before he could move, but it was Duo's voice what filled the air. "Go back to sleep, Q."
He looked at me. I nodded and closed my eyes, but didn't move my hand away from his. I was asleep in a moment.
* * *
There was no transport coming today. Duo left for the scrap yard in the morning. When I kissed him goodbye he whispered that we needed to talk.
Quatre hadn't said much. He was very quiet and I know that whatever he and Duo had discussed last night had affected him. Staying home was giving Quatre too much time to think and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. Quatre and I had shared many silent times, but none had ever felt uncomfortable like it did now. We needed to go out.
I got up, grabbed his hand, and led him to the door. "We need groceries," I explained. He followed me outside and we walked the five blocks to the store in silence.
Grabbing a small cart, I headed to the frozen food section. In the colonies, frozen products are the best option, especially in a colony like L2 that doesn't have satellites that engineer their food but have to import them from other clusters. "I miss carrots," I said almost to myself. They are very difficult to come by on L2 since they are quite expensive and most people wouldn't buy them.
"Zhaia is working on a project to open a Winner Resource Satellite on L2," Quatre said. "It would be very beneficial for the economy but we are still trying to get the permits. Some businessmen don't think it's such a good idea and they are paying the politicians to think the same." Quatre smiled, just like he did when he came up with the perfect strategy for a battle. "We are working on changing their minds."
The Winners may be pacifists but Quatre would stop at nothing if he thought he was doing the right thing. "Who's handling it now?"
The smile disappeared of his face. "Since I left, you mean? I'm sure Nayala is perfectly capable of completing my part of the project. "
I remembered that name. "She's the sister who came to L2. The one you were afraid to meet."
Quatre nodded. "The fact that she's here means that the project is progressing. That's good. We coul—" He shook his head slightly. "She could help a lot of people."
I put a bag of cheese on the cart. "You are not planning on going back." It wasn't a question.
He looked down. "I can't hurt them again."
"You are still the CEO." A simple search had proven that Quatre still held the position but he was listed on indefinite leave. "They are waiting for you."
Quatre shrugged. "I have many capable sisters. They can run things without me."
I dropped it. The only conversations we had until we finished shopping were about food products. If I ignored everything I had learned these last few days I could almost think that Quatre was back to normal. It wasn't true. He was still troubled and something told me that the problem with his empathy wasn't the only reason.
* * *
"Trowa called," said Duo as soon as we entered the house. "He and Wufei managed to convince some professors to let them take their finals earlier. They'll be here tomorrow night."
Quatre almost dropped the bag he was carrying.
"I told you yesterday that we called them," said Duo looking at Quatre. He had a serious look on his face. "Or were you too drunk to remember?"
I took the bag from Quatre's hands. He was carrying bottles and I didn't want them to break.
"I… remember." He looked nervous. "I just thought I had more time."
Duo grinned but I knew the expression was empty. "No time like the present, buddy."
Thinking that they needed some privacy, I took the bags into the kitchen and started to place the items on the fridge. I was almost done when Duo walked in. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me. "I love you."
I turned around so we were face to face. "You already said that twice last night. Why are you repeating it?"
When Duo came back to L2, after he went looking for me, I told him that I loved him for the first time. He had been ranting at that moment, telling me that I couldn't run off without telling anybody, that they would worry about me. After I said the words, he just stood motionless in front of me for a few minutes. He didn't say "I love you" back, but I wasn't expecting him to. It took him a couple of days before he asked me why I had said it. I told him I was following my emotions and that they had led me to him.
Our relationship had started without us even knowing. He gave me our first kiss, and I kissed him back. After we had sex for the first time, while he was lying in my arms and I was drifting asleep, he said it. Speaking with a clear voice, he said "I love you", kissed me and fell asleep.
The fact that we love each other and that we've admitted it doesn't mean that we say it every day. Those words carry a deep meaning and we are careful not to make them a routine. We say them because they are special, not because it's expected of us.
Duo kissed me. "Last night I was reminded of how lucky I am."
I kissed him back, and just looked at him for a moment, until I remembered where he had been last night. "Where's Quatre?"
"He's in the living room." Duo closed the fridge behind me and took a hold of my hand. "Come on, we don't want to leave him alone."
I nodded.
* * *
Hilde was excited at the idea of Wufei and Trowa coming to visit. She offered her spare bedroom for them since there wouldn't be enough space in our house for so many people. Duo agreed quickly and thanked her. Since they would be arriving very late at night, Duo said that they could crash the first night on our couch, so Hilde wouldn't have to get up at three in the morning to let them in.
Quatre didn't say a word. He ate his food quietly, and tried not to make eye contact with any of us. It was obvious that something about the visit was bothering him, and I worried that it might bother him enough to make him try to run.
When we got home, I pulled Duo and Quatre to the living room. It was time we started to deal with Quatre's problem. The longer we avoided it the worse it would be.
"Tell us about your empathy," I said.
We were all sitting on the couch. I was in the middle, leaning slightly on Duo so he and Quatre could look at each other.
Quatre waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "You already know all about it."
I shook my head. "We know the technical aspects, if we can call them that, but nothing about how it is for you. Empathy is, as I understand, an ability that affects almost every aspect of the person who has it."
"We need to know how it works for you, how it affects you," Duo finished for me. I hadn't discussed this with Duo, but he seemed to have similar thoughts about how to approach the problem.
"It's hard to explain." Quatre sighed. "It's like trying to describe breathing." He paused, and placed one hand over his heart. "The air and the emotions are always around me, but just like breathing, sensing is an unconscious act for me and I only notice it when I decide to."
"What about when you sense something strong?" Duo asked. He put an arm around me, making me lean more comfortably on him. "You once told me that you felt Heero self destruct..."
Quatre had told me that too. We had been in Sank. I remember sitting in the garden but I don't remember what prompted the conversation to turn to that direction. That had been when I understood, really understood, how my actions affected the people around me.
When I had first arrived on earth, my goal was only to fulfill the mission, and by doing that, help create a new word. I had thought that as long as I put only myself in the line of fire, I would hurt no one. I was wrong. Quatre opened my eyes and Duo showed me that I was needed not only as a fighter, but as a person.
"Sometimes the emotions demand to be noticed," said Quatre with a little shrug. "The air becomes heavy and I have to focus if I want to keep control."
Duo looked thoughtful. "So you don't need to control your power all the time?"
Giving a little smile, Quatre explained. "It's not a power, Duo. At least I don't see it like that. And to answer your question, yes, I need to control it all the time, but I've gotten so used to it that unless the emotions are too strong, I don't notice it."
"When you do notice, what do you do to keep it under control?" I asked. "Enumerate the steps."
Quatre snorted and shook his head, as if he was laughing quietly at a private joke. "Let's see… first I identify the feeling and then the source. I visualize the person, and try to build a glass wall around them, a way to mute their emotions."
I interrupted. "How?"
Diverting his eyes, Quatre remained silent for a moment. After a while, he nodded to himself, and looked back at me. "I guess I focus on those emotions I know are mine and use them to push the others away." He shrugged. "That's why I can't negate my emotions like others do. The moment I try to run away from mine, all the others come crashing down." He leaned his head against the back of the couch. "Distance helps too. The farther away I get, the less I feel."
I nodded. "That's why you really left. You were trying to put distance between yourself and your sister, so whatever you did would fade away."
Quatre was looking at his hands. "I didn't know if it would work but I had to try. If I had stayed, maybe she wouldn't have recovered."
"You don't know that," said Duo. "For all we know it was just a temporary thing, anyway."
Quatre remained silent, his eyes downcast. He wasn't ready to hear Duo's words yet. He was still feeling guilty and wouldn't listen. I tried to bring back the conversation to the initial topic. "What do you do if you want to sense someone?"
"I just focus on the person." Quatre waved his hand in a circle. "The emotions are always there, just waiting to be noticed. Sensing others is easier than trying to block them."
The raise and fall of Duo's chest stopped. He was holding his breath. "Can you tell what I'm feeling right now?"
"Yes, but I choose not to. Sometimes I notice without wanting to, sometimes the emotions scream to me, but normally I keep them muted." He looked at Duo. "I don't intrude on people's emotions, not intentionally anyway." He swallowed. "I understand if you feel uncomfortable."
Duo was breathing again. "I don't, Q, and you know it. I trust you. Don't try to make excuses so you can leave. We already agreed that you're not going anywhere." He paused, and even if I couldn't see his face, I knew he was grinning. "You're stuck with us, buddy, better face the facts."
Quatre smiled. "It could be worse."
* * *
We didn't talk more about Quatre's empathy. Instead, we spent the rest of the night playing cards. When it was time for bed, Quatre politely shook his head at Duo's suggestion to follow us up.
"I have intruded enough," Quatre said. "I'm sure you would like to have a night to yourselves."
The hidden meaning wasn't lost to me. I liked being with Duo but I wasn't about to leave Quatre alone just because it had been two days since my last fuck.
"Do you want to stay here alone?" asked Duo.
Quatre looked uncomfortable. He was looking at his hands when he said, "I know you miss each other." He put a hand over his heart. "I can feel it, remember?"
"I know you felt us last time," I said. Hilde hadn't told it to me in confidence and it was time Quatre stopped trying to hide himself from us. He needed to face the truth if we were to help him.
Duo's eyes widened a bit but that was the only sign of shock he showed.
Quatre's head snapped up and he looked at me. "I didn't mean to. I would never do that intentionally." He shook his head, lowered his eyes and the next words bared the same sadness he exhibited on his first day here. "I'm losing my control and I don't know how to get it back."
I moved towards Quatre, not sure exactly why but I felt that I needed to close the distance.
He took a step back. "You need each other." He turned, got the coat he had been using, and moved to the door. "I'm taking a walk. I'll be back later and I'll sleep on the couch." He gave us a shaky smile. "Tomorrow, if that's okay, I'll stay with you."
"Q, it's dangerous out there." Duo said, but there was no conviction behind his words.
"Then I'll just go get a beer at the bar you took me to." Quatre opened the door. "You need each other and I can't be here when that happens. I promise I'll get back."
Duo nodded. "I'll hold you up to that."
Quatre left, not looking back.
* * *
We left a pillow and some blankets on the couch for Quatre before we headed upstairs. We stripped quietly, moving to the bed and sharing a kiss. The mood was weird, as if there was something heavy, pressing in on us.
The kiss ended and I said, "His heart is broken." Quatre had given us this moment but I still couldn't help but thinking about how sad he'd looked and, as I tasted Duo's kiss, I recognized Quatre's longing. I had felt it before, when I hadn't found myself, and Duo was a colony away.
Duo exhaled. "Yeah." He looked at me for a moment.
I remembered Duo two nights ago, kissing me, and telling me that he loved me. Quatre's loss had reminded him of what we have, of how lucky we are. I brushed the bangs from Duo's face and gave him a soft kiss, my lips barely open, barely touching his. "I love you."
He smiled at me, an intimate smile he shares with no one else. Then my hands were on him. I touched his skin, holding on to him, making sure that he was real, that he was there for me. He returned my caresses; touching me with the same fervor I touched him.
We can be gentle with each other or we can be rough. We can explore each other's bodies for hours or we can just pound into each other hard and fast. Tonight we were intense. Each touch was desperate, as if we needed to prove that we were there for the other, as if we were clinging to each other, fearing being alone.
I lost track of time. It could have been minutes or it could have been hours, but every moment of it was intense. By the time we were done I had no energy left and my mind was hazy. I fell asleep on Duo's arms, secure in his arms as he held on to me.
* * *
Quatre was on the couch in the morning. Half of the blanket was on the floor, leaving most of his chest uncovered, and he was shivering slightly. I put the blanket over him and walked to the kitchen, wanting to get some breakfast ready.
I heard Duo's steps entering the kitchen minutes later. He put his arms around me. He was still warm from bed while I was starting to get cold.
"You should be wearing more than boxers. You are shivering."
I turned to look at him. Duo was barefoot, wearing boxers and a t-shirt. I glared. "I'm not shivering."
Duo rolled his eyes at me and handed me the first cup of coffee. "This will help you get warm." He purred another cup for himself. "Should we wake him up? There's another transport today but I think he could use a day off."
Quatre walked in before I could answer. His eyes were half closed and he had the blanket thrown over his shoulders. He headed straight for the coffee machine, managed to pour himself a cup and then sat at the kitchen table. After he took his first sip he said, "Morning," and then went back to his coffee. A couple of sips later and his eyes were open. He looked at Duo. "I'm going to work. You said you needed my help and I don't want to sit and do nothing all day."
Duo blinked and then nodded. He put his own cup on the table beside Quatre's and helped me serve the eggs and toast I had made. Duo talked about the transport they would be getting today. Quatre made a few comments here and there.
It wasn't until we were done eating, and Quatre was about to go take a shower, that Duo moved towards him, placed a small kiss on his cheek and said, "thank you."
I squeezed Quatre's shoulders and repeated the words.
Quatre whispered, "It's nothing," and left the kitchen.
Duo and I shared a look. He didn't realize how much it was.
* * *
Quatre was quiet when he came back. He didn't say much at dinner, even though Hilde tried to get him to talk. He kept replying in short sentences and going quiet again. His eyes weren't completely focused and I could see that he was thinking something that had nothing to do with the taste of the soup.
Hilde said goodbye to us with a smile and then told us to say hi to Trowa and Wufei for her. Quatre held his breath when he heard the names and he didn't let it out until we were half way to our house.
We had decided to wait up for Trowa and Wufei. Duo had already decided to take tomorrow off, and since there wasn't a transport coming, Quatre had the day off too. Someone at work had lent Duo a horror movie vid and we sat down to watch it.
I sat on the right corner, Duo leaning on me with a bowl of popcorn on his lap. Quatre sat next to Duo, leaning on the left arm of the couch. The movie was bad. I spend the first twenty minutes glaring at Duo while Quatre rolled his eyes at the bloody scenes and kept wondering out loud who would enjoy watching that. Duo tried defending the movie until the main character found the Holy Grail and used it to break a zombie's neck
As bad as the movie was, it made Quatre relax. He laughed, smiled and made jokes. Whatever he had been thinking earlier was out of his mind for the moment; he looked at ease. We played cards after it. We talked about every day stuff, about the movie, about Hilde and Relena… but I was careful not to mention Wufei or Trowa and I noticed Duo was doing the same.
We did a decent job of keeping Quatre distracted, until the doorbell rang.
Quatre went white.
Trowa and Wufei had arrived.
TBC... tomorrow ^_^
Rating: NC17
Pairings: 1x2, (1x2)+4 (friendship), 3x5.
Warnings: Angst, post EW, language, empathy. Heero's POV
Summary: After the war Heero has found his way, but some of the pilots are still trying to find theirs.
Very special thanks to Anne for the beta, and to everyone I ever spammed with snippets of this fic, and encouraged me to write. *hugs you all*
Previous chapters can be found here.
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Chapter Three
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Quatre and Duo were away. Another transport had come this morning and they were busy. I decided to stay at home and do some work. It wasn't that I was behind, I was actually ahead, but I liked the distraction. An empty house can give you too much to think about when there's nothing to do. However, I couldn't concentrate. My thoughts kept going back to what Quatre had told us the night before.
The glow I had seen the first night Quatre was here suddenly made sense. He was the reason I had woken up from my nightmare, why I hadn't felt guilty like I usually did afterwards. Whatever he had done to me wasn't exactly the same as he had done to his sister because I could still feel a knife in my heart every time I remembered that little girl and her dog.
Work was going slow. I closed the program and decided to focus on what was really bothering me: Quatre and his sister. After finding out in one of the L4 papers to which hospital Saidah Winner had been taken after her unfortunate collapse, it wasn't difficult to hack the hospital files.
She had been unconscious when she was admitted, but none of the doctors could give a reason for her condition. They kept her under observation for three days, in which they could find nothing, and on the fourth she woke up. Her brain waves were back to normal and she was in perfect condition. The doctors had concluded that it was exhaustion that drove her over the limit. They sent her home, recommending plenty of rest and a healthy diet.
Saidah had recovered completely, which meant that the effects of Quatre's power weren't permanent. But he had still run. Empathy wasn't something I really understood. There wasn't enough information on the subject and it could never be considered an exact science. The only way we could help Quatre control his powers was by experimentation. Trial and error.
* * *
Duo rang to tell me that he and Quatre were going out for a beer, and wouldn't be home for dinner. I understood the message: they needed to talk. Hilde already knew that they wouldn't be having dinner with us, so she just made a light salad and some sandwiches for us to share.
I sat in her kitchen, eating while she told me about her day. She couldn't be happier to have Quatre here since with his help the work was finished a lot sooner than what they were used to. And then she said, "Maybe now Jeffrey and I can take the time to go out on that date."
I put my fork down and glared at her. She just grinned. "He asked me out a while ago but work has been crazy for us both so we just kept postponing it."
"Why wasn't I informed of this before?" I should have noticed something was wrong. Jeffrey had seemed overly nervous around me lately.
"Oh no, Heero Yuy, you are not going to scare this one off!" She was pointing at me with her fork. "He's nice, you said so yourself a few weeks ago."
"That was before," I grumbled. "Now it's different."
She didn't look happy. "I swear that if you scare this one off I won't ever cook for you or that over protective boyfriend of yours ever again."
I remained quiet and turned my glare to my plate. We ate silently for a while before Hilde asked tentatively. "Is Quatre okay?"
"No, but we will help him." Hilde was one of the few people outside the other pilots that I trusted. She had earned my respect when she got us the data on Libra, and she had earned my trust in the time Duo and I lived with her. She didn't know Quatre any more that he knew her but she cared, I could see it in her eyes, so she deserved to know.
"Yesterday, when he came to help with the food, something weird happened."
I stopped eating and gave her my full attention.
"We were setting up the table," she continued. "For a moment everything was alright and then he lost his balance. I went to help him but he mumbled an excuse and ran for the bathroom. When he came back he seemed fine, and I didn't ask."
Maybe his empathy was acting up again. He was feeling something and he ran so Hilde wouldn't see him. I wondered if he glowed like he did that night. "What time was it?"
She looked up. "Around six thirty, I think."
At that time, Duo and I were having sex.
* * *
They didn't get home until late that night. I was already in bed, the lights turned off as I tried to fall asleep. I was still awake when Duo opened the door slowly and slipped quietly inside. Quatre was leaning on him. His eyes were closed and he was trusting Duo to guide him.
"Need help?" I asked in a whisper.
Duo nodded and gave me a smile. I could smell the alcohol before I reached them. They had drunk more than beers. Duo likes vodka. He says you can drink it in cocktails when it's time to celebrate or straight when it's time to cry. I had no doubt which way they had drank it tonight.
We stripped Quatre from his working overalls, and took off his boots and socks. He never opened his eyes but he was conscious, I could tell by the way he breathed. While Duo stripped himself, I pulled Quatre to the bed. Last night he hadn't argued about his sleeping arrangements, and Duo and I had taken him to bed with us. He had slept on the corner again, and in the morning, with the sound of the alarm clock, he had almost fallen out of bed.
Tonight, I wanted him to feel safe. I led him to the middle of the bed, and before I settled his head on the pillow I looked up at Duo and asked without words if it was okay. He grinned, and I could see in his eyes that even if he'd had his share of vodka tonight he wasn't drunk. He settled on Quatre's other side, and pulled the covers over us all.
He leaned towards me, careful not to disturb Quatre. He kissed me deeply, and I could taste the vodka in his mouth. "I love you, Heero," he said. "I love you." He kissed me again, went back to his side of the bed, and closed his eyes.
I stared at Duo and then at Quatre sleeping beside him, and I wondered if tonight they had made a toast to love.
* * *
I woke up to a small gasp.
Thanks to my training I awoke instantly to the smallest of noises. I can go back to sleep if the sound doesn't deserve my attention, but this time it did. Quatre was looking at me. His lips slightly parted and his eyes still blinking, trying to get adjusted to the light. He turned to Duo and then back at me. "I shouldn't be here."
I grabbed his hand before he could move, but it was Duo's voice what filled the air. "Go back to sleep, Q."
He looked at me. I nodded and closed my eyes, but didn't move my hand away from his. I was asleep in a moment.
* * *
There was no transport coming today. Duo left for the scrap yard in the morning. When I kissed him goodbye he whispered that we needed to talk.
Quatre hadn't said much. He was very quiet and I know that whatever he and Duo had discussed last night had affected him. Staying home was giving Quatre too much time to think and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. Quatre and I had shared many silent times, but none had ever felt uncomfortable like it did now. We needed to go out.
I got up, grabbed his hand, and led him to the door. "We need groceries," I explained. He followed me outside and we walked the five blocks to the store in silence.
Grabbing a small cart, I headed to the frozen food section. In the colonies, frozen products are the best option, especially in a colony like L2 that doesn't have satellites that engineer their food but have to import them from other clusters. "I miss carrots," I said almost to myself. They are very difficult to come by on L2 since they are quite expensive and most people wouldn't buy them.
"Zhaia is working on a project to open a Winner Resource Satellite on L2," Quatre said. "It would be very beneficial for the economy but we are still trying to get the permits. Some businessmen don't think it's such a good idea and they are paying the politicians to think the same." Quatre smiled, just like he did when he came up with the perfect strategy for a battle. "We are working on changing their minds."
The Winners may be pacifists but Quatre would stop at nothing if he thought he was doing the right thing. "Who's handling it now?"
The smile disappeared of his face. "Since I left, you mean? I'm sure Nayala is perfectly capable of completing my part of the project. "
I remembered that name. "She's the sister who came to L2. The one you were afraid to meet."
Quatre nodded. "The fact that she's here means that the project is progressing. That's good. We coul—" He shook his head slightly. "She could help a lot of people."
I put a bag of cheese on the cart. "You are not planning on going back." It wasn't a question.
He looked down. "I can't hurt them again."
"You are still the CEO." A simple search had proven that Quatre still held the position but he was listed on indefinite leave. "They are waiting for you."
Quatre shrugged. "I have many capable sisters. They can run things without me."
I dropped it. The only conversations we had until we finished shopping were about food products. If I ignored everything I had learned these last few days I could almost think that Quatre was back to normal. It wasn't true. He was still troubled and something told me that the problem with his empathy wasn't the only reason.
* * *
"Trowa called," said Duo as soon as we entered the house. "He and Wufei managed to convince some professors to let them take their finals earlier. They'll be here tomorrow night."
Quatre almost dropped the bag he was carrying.
"I told you yesterday that we called them," said Duo looking at Quatre. He had a serious look on his face. "Or were you too drunk to remember?"
I took the bag from Quatre's hands. He was carrying bottles and I didn't want them to break.
"I… remember." He looked nervous. "I just thought I had more time."
Duo grinned but I knew the expression was empty. "No time like the present, buddy."
Thinking that they needed some privacy, I took the bags into the kitchen and started to place the items on the fridge. I was almost done when Duo walked in. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me. "I love you."
I turned around so we were face to face. "You already said that twice last night. Why are you repeating it?"
When Duo came back to L2, after he went looking for me, I told him that I loved him for the first time. He had been ranting at that moment, telling me that I couldn't run off without telling anybody, that they would worry about me. After I said the words, he just stood motionless in front of me for a few minutes. He didn't say "I love you" back, but I wasn't expecting him to. It took him a couple of days before he asked me why I had said it. I told him I was following my emotions and that they had led me to him.
Our relationship had started without us even knowing. He gave me our first kiss, and I kissed him back. After we had sex for the first time, while he was lying in my arms and I was drifting asleep, he said it. Speaking with a clear voice, he said "I love you", kissed me and fell asleep.
The fact that we love each other and that we've admitted it doesn't mean that we say it every day. Those words carry a deep meaning and we are careful not to make them a routine. We say them because they are special, not because it's expected of us.
Duo kissed me. "Last night I was reminded of how lucky I am."
I kissed him back, and just looked at him for a moment, until I remembered where he had been last night. "Where's Quatre?"
"He's in the living room." Duo closed the fridge behind me and took a hold of my hand. "Come on, we don't want to leave him alone."
I nodded.
* * *
Hilde was excited at the idea of Wufei and Trowa coming to visit. She offered her spare bedroom for them since there wouldn't be enough space in our house for so many people. Duo agreed quickly and thanked her. Since they would be arriving very late at night, Duo said that they could crash the first night on our couch, so Hilde wouldn't have to get up at three in the morning to let them in.
Quatre didn't say a word. He ate his food quietly, and tried not to make eye contact with any of us. It was obvious that something about the visit was bothering him, and I worried that it might bother him enough to make him try to run.
When we got home, I pulled Duo and Quatre to the living room. It was time we started to deal with Quatre's problem. The longer we avoided it the worse it would be.
"Tell us about your empathy," I said.
We were all sitting on the couch. I was in the middle, leaning slightly on Duo so he and Quatre could look at each other.
Quatre waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "You already know all about it."
I shook my head. "We know the technical aspects, if we can call them that, but nothing about how it is for you. Empathy is, as I understand, an ability that affects almost every aspect of the person who has it."
"We need to know how it works for you, how it affects you," Duo finished for me. I hadn't discussed this with Duo, but he seemed to have similar thoughts about how to approach the problem.
"It's hard to explain." Quatre sighed. "It's like trying to describe breathing." He paused, and placed one hand over his heart. "The air and the emotions are always around me, but just like breathing, sensing is an unconscious act for me and I only notice it when I decide to."
"What about when you sense something strong?" Duo asked. He put an arm around me, making me lean more comfortably on him. "You once told me that you felt Heero self destruct..."
Quatre had told me that too. We had been in Sank. I remember sitting in the garden but I don't remember what prompted the conversation to turn to that direction. That had been when I understood, really understood, how my actions affected the people around me.
When I had first arrived on earth, my goal was only to fulfill the mission, and by doing that, help create a new word. I had thought that as long as I put only myself in the line of fire, I would hurt no one. I was wrong. Quatre opened my eyes and Duo showed me that I was needed not only as a fighter, but as a person.
"Sometimes the emotions demand to be noticed," said Quatre with a little shrug. "The air becomes heavy and I have to focus if I want to keep control."
Duo looked thoughtful. "So you don't need to control your power all the time?"
Giving a little smile, Quatre explained. "It's not a power, Duo. At least I don't see it like that. And to answer your question, yes, I need to control it all the time, but I've gotten so used to it that unless the emotions are too strong, I don't notice it."
"When you do notice, what do you do to keep it under control?" I asked. "Enumerate the steps."
Quatre snorted and shook his head, as if he was laughing quietly at a private joke. "Let's see… first I identify the feeling and then the source. I visualize the person, and try to build a glass wall around them, a way to mute their emotions."
I interrupted. "How?"
Diverting his eyes, Quatre remained silent for a moment. After a while, he nodded to himself, and looked back at me. "I guess I focus on those emotions I know are mine and use them to push the others away." He shrugged. "That's why I can't negate my emotions like others do. The moment I try to run away from mine, all the others come crashing down." He leaned his head against the back of the couch. "Distance helps too. The farther away I get, the less I feel."
I nodded. "That's why you really left. You were trying to put distance between yourself and your sister, so whatever you did would fade away."
Quatre was looking at his hands. "I didn't know if it would work but I had to try. If I had stayed, maybe she wouldn't have recovered."
"You don't know that," said Duo. "For all we know it was just a temporary thing, anyway."
Quatre remained silent, his eyes downcast. He wasn't ready to hear Duo's words yet. He was still feeling guilty and wouldn't listen. I tried to bring back the conversation to the initial topic. "What do you do if you want to sense someone?"
"I just focus on the person." Quatre waved his hand in a circle. "The emotions are always there, just waiting to be noticed. Sensing others is easier than trying to block them."
The raise and fall of Duo's chest stopped. He was holding his breath. "Can you tell what I'm feeling right now?"
"Yes, but I choose not to. Sometimes I notice without wanting to, sometimes the emotions scream to me, but normally I keep them muted." He looked at Duo. "I don't intrude on people's emotions, not intentionally anyway." He swallowed. "I understand if you feel uncomfortable."
Duo was breathing again. "I don't, Q, and you know it. I trust you. Don't try to make excuses so you can leave. We already agreed that you're not going anywhere." He paused, and even if I couldn't see his face, I knew he was grinning. "You're stuck with us, buddy, better face the facts."
Quatre smiled. "It could be worse."
* * *
We didn't talk more about Quatre's empathy. Instead, we spent the rest of the night playing cards. When it was time for bed, Quatre politely shook his head at Duo's suggestion to follow us up.
"I have intruded enough," Quatre said. "I'm sure you would like to have a night to yourselves."
The hidden meaning wasn't lost to me. I liked being with Duo but I wasn't about to leave Quatre alone just because it had been two days since my last fuck.
"Do you want to stay here alone?" asked Duo.
Quatre looked uncomfortable. He was looking at his hands when he said, "I know you miss each other." He put a hand over his heart. "I can feel it, remember?"
"I know you felt us last time," I said. Hilde hadn't told it to me in confidence and it was time Quatre stopped trying to hide himself from us. He needed to face the truth if we were to help him.
Duo's eyes widened a bit but that was the only sign of shock he showed.
Quatre's head snapped up and he looked at me. "I didn't mean to. I would never do that intentionally." He shook his head, lowered his eyes and the next words bared the same sadness he exhibited on his first day here. "I'm losing my control and I don't know how to get it back."
I moved towards Quatre, not sure exactly why but I felt that I needed to close the distance.
He took a step back. "You need each other." He turned, got the coat he had been using, and moved to the door. "I'm taking a walk. I'll be back later and I'll sleep on the couch." He gave us a shaky smile. "Tomorrow, if that's okay, I'll stay with you."
"Q, it's dangerous out there." Duo said, but there was no conviction behind his words.
"Then I'll just go get a beer at the bar you took me to." Quatre opened the door. "You need each other and I can't be here when that happens. I promise I'll get back."
Duo nodded. "I'll hold you up to that."
Quatre left, not looking back.
* * *
We left a pillow and some blankets on the couch for Quatre before we headed upstairs. We stripped quietly, moving to the bed and sharing a kiss. The mood was weird, as if there was something heavy, pressing in on us.
The kiss ended and I said, "His heart is broken." Quatre had given us this moment but I still couldn't help but thinking about how sad he'd looked and, as I tasted Duo's kiss, I recognized Quatre's longing. I had felt it before, when I hadn't found myself, and Duo was a colony away.
Duo exhaled. "Yeah." He looked at me for a moment.
I remembered Duo two nights ago, kissing me, and telling me that he loved me. Quatre's loss had reminded him of what we have, of how lucky we are. I brushed the bangs from Duo's face and gave him a soft kiss, my lips barely open, barely touching his. "I love you."
He smiled at me, an intimate smile he shares with no one else. Then my hands were on him. I touched his skin, holding on to him, making sure that he was real, that he was there for me. He returned my caresses; touching me with the same fervor I touched him.
We can be gentle with each other or we can be rough. We can explore each other's bodies for hours or we can just pound into each other hard and fast. Tonight we were intense. Each touch was desperate, as if we needed to prove that we were there for the other, as if we were clinging to each other, fearing being alone.
I lost track of time. It could have been minutes or it could have been hours, but every moment of it was intense. By the time we were done I had no energy left and my mind was hazy. I fell asleep on Duo's arms, secure in his arms as he held on to me.
* * *
Quatre was on the couch in the morning. Half of the blanket was on the floor, leaving most of his chest uncovered, and he was shivering slightly. I put the blanket over him and walked to the kitchen, wanting to get some breakfast ready.
I heard Duo's steps entering the kitchen minutes later. He put his arms around me. He was still warm from bed while I was starting to get cold.
"You should be wearing more than boxers. You are shivering."
I turned to look at him. Duo was barefoot, wearing boxers and a t-shirt. I glared. "I'm not shivering."
Duo rolled his eyes at me and handed me the first cup of coffee. "This will help you get warm." He purred another cup for himself. "Should we wake him up? There's another transport today but I think he could use a day off."
Quatre walked in before I could answer. His eyes were half closed and he had the blanket thrown over his shoulders. He headed straight for the coffee machine, managed to pour himself a cup and then sat at the kitchen table. After he took his first sip he said, "Morning," and then went back to his coffee. A couple of sips later and his eyes were open. He looked at Duo. "I'm going to work. You said you needed my help and I don't want to sit and do nothing all day."
Duo blinked and then nodded. He put his own cup on the table beside Quatre's and helped me serve the eggs and toast I had made. Duo talked about the transport they would be getting today. Quatre made a few comments here and there.
It wasn't until we were done eating, and Quatre was about to go take a shower, that Duo moved towards him, placed a small kiss on his cheek and said, "thank you."
I squeezed Quatre's shoulders and repeated the words.
Quatre whispered, "It's nothing," and left the kitchen.
Duo and I shared a look. He didn't realize how much it was.
* * *
Quatre was quiet when he came back. He didn't say much at dinner, even though Hilde tried to get him to talk. He kept replying in short sentences and going quiet again. His eyes weren't completely focused and I could see that he was thinking something that had nothing to do with the taste of the soup.
Hilde said goodbye to us with a smile and then told us to say hi to Trowa and Wufei for her. Quatre held his breath when he heard the names and he didn't let it out until we were half way to our house.
We had decided to wait up for Trowa and Wufei. Duo had already decided to take tomorrow off, and since there wasn't a transport coming, Quatre had the day off too. Someone at work had lent Duo a horror movie vid and we sat down to watch it.
I sat on the right corner, Duo leaning on me with a bowl of popcorn on his lap. Quatre sat next to Duo, leaning on the left arm of the couch. The movie was bad. I spend the first twenty minutes glaring at Duo while Quatre rolled his eyes at the bloody scenes and kept wondering out loud who would enjoy watching that. Duo tried defending the movie until the main character found the Holy Grail and used it to break a zombie's neck
As bad as the movie was, it made Quatre relax. He laughed, smiled and made jokes. Whatever he had been thinking earlier was out of his mind for the moment; he looked at ease. We played cards after it. We talked about every day stuff, about the movie, about Hilde and Relena… but I was careful not to mention Wufei or Trowa and I noticed Duo was doing the same.
We did a decent job of keeping Quatre distracted, until the doorbell rang.
Quatre went white.
Trowa and Wufei had arrived.
TBC... tomorrow ^_^
