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Whumping fic 3/3
Swords of a Soldier
Rating: NC 17
Pairings: 2+4, OMCx4
Summary: Some battles are won and others are lost, but in a war the consequences are severe and not always honorable.
Warnings: Violence, graphic NCS/rape, torture, angst, language. This story explores dark topics; please don't read if you are offended by any of these subjects. Also Alternative Timeline and non-linear writing style.
Archive: Gundanium Line
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or the characters used in this fic.
Notes: Written for the Whumped!Quatre Ficathon, filling Harvest Blue's request.
Thanks a lot to Anne for the beta and all the help and support while writing the fic.
___
Part Three
"You are not broken."
Quatre looked up at Heero's words, shock evident on his face. It was the reaction Heero was expecting. It was time for Quatre to stop wallowing in self pity and move on.
"Sally says it's time for you to do some light exercise. If you remain lying down your muscles won't recover."
The bruises were already fading, and the last time Sally had changed the bandages she had said that the welts and the bullet graze were healing nicely, even if there might be some scarring. Quatre's physical injuries were not so severe, but Heero feared that if they let him stay in bed, hiding from the world, Quatre's mind might never recover.
It was important to show him that he was still needed, and especially to let him know that he could still fight, that even if what had happened had changed him, it wouldn't cripple him, not if he didn't allow it.
"I ensured that the small training room would be empty. The walk there should help you warm up, and then just some stretches and light muscle exercise."
With some help, Quatre had been getting out of bed more and more. He was able to go to the bathroom without assistance now, and he had taken a shower yesterday.
"Thank you, Heero."
Quatre was still avoiding Heero's eyes for the most. It troubled Heero. He had grown used to a confident Quatre who would return his glares with a calm stare and refuse to lower his eyes. "I thought I had your respect, Quatre."
Quatre looked puzzled. "Of course you do, Heero. Why would you think otherwise?"
"You are not looking at me."
Sitting on the bed, and getting ready to stand up, Quatre still refused to meet Heero's eyes, focusing instead on a spot above his right shoulder. "I…" Quatre shook his head. "After what happened…" A sigh and another shake of his head. "I know it doesn't make me any less, but it does make me feel that way. I'm not sure I deserve respect anymore."
Heero helped Quatre up from bed, putting a hand around Quatre's waist to support him. Quatre was tense for a moment, but after a deep breath he relaxed a bit. It wasn't that Quatre need help walking anymore, he didn't, but Heero figured he still needed support.
They walked quietly to the training room, and Heero refused to let Quatre go. The few people they encountered in the hallways gave them weird looks, probably not used to seeing Heero display any type of affection.
Quatre's right leg was already stronger, but Heero suggested some light weight exercises to slowly get it to its former strength. During a break, Heero handed Quatre a bottle of water and sat beside him.
"You earned my respect a long time ago, Quatre. You still have it."
Quatre raised his eyes this time. "Thank you."
"It wasn't your fault." Heero didn't know why he had spoken those words. Of course it wasn't Quatre's fault. They all knew the risks when they'd decided to involve themselves in a war, but that didn't make what had happened to Quatre something he should have expected. Some people had honor in battle, others didn't. Quatre had met the latter.
"No, it wasn't, but it was a consequence of my actions." Quatre paused but continued before Heero could say anything. "Fault implies a previous wrong action that leads to its consequence." He smiled at Heero. "I don't think I acted wrongly that time. And I would do it again."
"I don't understand."
Quatre kept his eyes fixed on Heero, and for a moment, those eyes showed none of the fear, sadness or melancholy they had for the last few days. "I don't regret it."
Heero frowned. "You are speaking in riddles."
"What happened to me, it was retribution." One of Quatre's hands was placed over his heart. "I killed his friend."
"It's war," Heero said. "People die."
Quatre nodded. "That's true, but I've always been reluctant to let /my/ friends die." There was something Quatre wasn't telling him. "If he had gotten Duo, he would have killed him. What happened to me was the lesser of two evils." He got up and headed for the showers, beside the training room. "Thank you, Heero."
The only instance in which Quatre wouldn't regret killing would be if it was absolutely necessary. "You killed the man's friend to protect someone," Heero stated, understanding what Quatre wasn't saying.
Without turning around, Quatre paused. "Yes."
"Who?"
It wasn't until Quatre had closed the shower doors that Heero heard the whispered reply. "You."
* * *
Something had gone wrong. There weren't supposed to be so many soldiers in the factory, nor were they meant to be so heavily armed. The explosion had gone off as planned but Quatre hadn't expected to find an OZ squad on his way out. He ran straight into them and barely had the time to duck behind some metal remains before they opened fire.
In the time it took him to take out both his guns he had made the decision. He could try to outrun them, head for the east side, and hope to reach his suit before he was shot. But that was Duo's escape route. If he managed to get there in one piece, then he would be leading the soldiers to his friend. The decision was simple: a slim chance for them both to get away, or a very good one for Duo to get away, alone.
Quatre fired five rounds and three soldiers went down. The remaining men took cover, and started to fire from behind a wall. Their shots were wild and none of them even came close to hitting Quatre. He crouched low on the floor and peeked quickly from behind his metal shield. One of the soldiers was doing the same. Quatre aimed and fired. The soldier went down.
A shadow on his left caught Quatre's attention. A soldier was sneaking from behind, his gun raised and pointed at Quatre. Quatre fired but it was too late. The soldier had already shot his weapon. Quatre's right leg gave in under him, and he collapsed. The bullet had hit his calf. His leg wouldn't be able to hold his weight. There was no where to run.
He managed to drag himself to the nearest wall, leaning there. His guns were raised. The soldiers would come but he would take down as many as possible. He shot two more before the one who had shot him tackled him. One of Quatre's guns slid from his fingers, but he used the other to shoot the soldier.
As soon as the shot was fired, a foot connected with Quatre's wrist, and the gun was knocked away. The soldier had provided his comrades with enough time to reach Quatre, and now he was surrounded. In one last futile attempt, Quatre took the knife from his boot and slashed one of the soldier's legs. He was repaid with a kick in the head and a man stepping on his injured leg. The pain proved to be all the distraction the soldiers needed and soon also the knife was kicked away from his hand.
Quatre couldn't tell how many men were standing above him but he knew that he had lost his fight. Someone stripped him of his jacket. No words were spoken and no orders were given but whenever Quatre tried to resist, the soldier stepping on his leg would apply more pressure. They forced his hands in front of him and handcuffed him, then they dragged him up.
There was a man on either side of him, holding him upright. They dragged him down the corridors. Quatre limped, trying to stay off his right leg and hissing quietly with every step. There was a man at the end of the corridor. Quatre recognized him immediately.
"Congratulations, gentlemen. We have found ourselves a Gundam pilot."
Quatre hid a small relieved smile. Duo had gotten away.
* * *
Heero sat on Wing Zero's open cockpit, annoyed that there was nothing for him to do. Working on his Gundam always helped him focus, it was the thing he did when he didn't want to dwell on unwanted thoughts or regrets. However, Howard's mechanics took care of his suit now, and there was nothing left for him to fix or add. Wing Zero was in perfect condition.
"Heero."
Looking down, he saw Trowa standing on the cat walk. "We are meeting in the common room."
Jumping down, Heero joined Trowa and they walked together silently. Wufei and Duo were already there. Wufei was leaning on the wall and Duo sitting on a chair by the table. Heero's first thoughts were who was with Quatre.
"Sally is taking care of Q," answered Duo, without waiting for Heero to ask.
Heero nodded, and leaned against the door, waiting patiently for someone to explain what the meeting was about. Trowa chose to take the seat in front of Duo.
Wufei spoke first. "Treize's army is approaching, and we are getting closer to the Libra. It won't be long till we have to fight another battle, and it's important for us to decide if Winner is be able to join us."
"Sally says that his injuries are healed enough," Duo replied. "He's not one hundred percent but, physically, he can pilot."
"Physically," repeated Trowa slowly.
"His state of mind took the worse shock. We've all spent some time with him," continued Wufei. "Now we need to decide if he would be an advantage in battle or a liability."
"That's for Quatre to decide," Heero stated. Quatre was the only one who could make a decision like that. He wouldn't stay behind if he thought he could fight or go into battle fearing risking everyone's lives. Quatre would need to judge what was best. He wouldn't let anyone make that decision for him, none of them would.
Wufei nodded. "Yes it is, but whatever he decides affects all of us." Duo was about to say something but Wufei held up a hand and continued. "After speaking with Winner, I think he is in condition to battle… and lead us."
"He's not broken," said Heero, "and we need him."
Trowa nodded in agreement. "He needs to fight, to know he's still useful and capable."
They all turned to Duo, who was looking down at his hands and acting unusually quiet. When he spoke, his voice sounded soft, almost as if he was lost in thought. "I don't want him to get hurt, but I think it'll be worse if we try to force him to stay. I still trust him, and I don't want him to get the wrong impression." He raised his head, and his eyes were sparkling dangerously. His voice was low and controlled. "I want to go back to the satellite and kill the mother fuckers who did this to him."
Wufei shook his head. "We don't have the time to go back there now. We need to get closer to Libra. That's our objective."
Duo stood up. "Then I'll go alone." His hands were closed into tight fists and his posture was tense. "It was my fault. It's the least I can do."
Heero walked towards Duo and put a hand on his shoulder, pushing him softly so he would sit back down. Duo didn't budge. "Quatre let himself get captured so you could get out. I won't let you waste his sacrifice."
The words hit Duo like a punch. Heero could see the hurt look in Duo's face before Duo gave up and collapsed on his chair. "It wasn't your fault," said Heero.
Duo gave a bitter laugh. "You just said it was, Yuy."
"It wasn't," repeated Heero firmly. "It's as much your fault as it was Quatre's, or mine."
"Not to spoil your little speech, Yuy, but you have nothing to do here." Duo leaned back on his chair.
Trowa and Wufei were watching the conversation quietly, seemingly preferring not to get involved for the moment.
"He didn't say it, but I believe that the man who raped Quatre was one of the soldiers who captured us in the abandoned colony, after the Zero system incident." Heero noticed that Duo's expression was curious, but that the anger was still there, waiting for a moment when it could be unleashed. Heero continued. "I don't remember much. I had a contusion but I have flashes of one soldier, who kept hitting me. I think I broke his leg or did something to anger him, and he decided I wasn't worth the trouble and took out his gun to shoot me."
"Quatre stopped him," said Trowa.
"He killed him," said Heero. "Snapped his neck before he had time to shoot. Transport for the moon base arrived before the soldiers could take reprisals."
"So you are saying the son of a bitch knew the dead guy?" Duo was standing up again. "That's why he," he shook his head, "why he fucking raped Q?"
"Quatre thinks so." Heero didn't stand up and just looked up at Duo from his seat. "He's also relieved that they didn't catch you. He would have taken his retribution on you."
"You are not going back to the satellite," Trowa said firmly and Wufei nodded in agreement.
Duo glared at them, whispered a curse and left. The other three let him go, knowing he needed some time alone.
* * *
Quatre opened his eyes at the sound of the door. He hadn't been sleeping, but keeping his eyes open when the place was so dark seemed like a futile endeavor. His arms had long ago fallen asleep but the rest of his body still ached after the beating. Maintaining his standing position on the wall was placing too much pressure on his injured leg and tiring the other.
It took a few seconds for Quatre to adjust his eyes to the light filling the room. There were two men walking towards him. Quatre tried to stand up as straight as possible and waited.
Matthews was following the man Quatre had recognized, the one the soldiers had addressed as lieutenant. They entered the cell and closed the doors behind them.
"Matthews tells me you haven't cooperated." The man gave Quatre an ugly sneer. "I was hoping you wouldn't."
"The man I killed was your friend." The words made Quatre's throat hurt. "I'm sorry."
"You are not sorry yet, but you'll be."
A gun was placed under Quatre's chin, forcing his head up. Rough hands lifted his arms until he was free from the wall, just to turn him around, and push him face first to it. The gun pressed to his chin was a clear threat, resistance wouldn't be tolerated. His hands were raised again over his head and the handcuffs' chain hooked to the wall. The gun was removed and Quatre was left standing, looking at the wall.
Quatre could feel his breathing going faster and faster. He tried to make his breaths shallow. He didn't want them to know he was scared. His heart was beating hard, and Quatre thought it sounded as loud as a drum in the quiet cell.
The silence worried him. Quatre expected to hear demands for information or insults but not this silence that seemed to make more difficult to hide how nervous he was. Someone grabbed his shirt and pulled it up, exposing his back. Quatre held his breath.
It wasn't a fist that hit him, but something sharp that left a stinging sensation on his back. With the second hit Quatre's mind supplied the answer: they were using a belt. They asked questions then but Quatre focused his mind on the pain, refusing to hear them, to acknowledge that there was a way to make it stop. If he screamed, he ignored that too.
Quatre didn't realize that he had closed his eyes tightly until he heard the lieutenant, speaking close to him. "Matthews here is a good soldier, and he seems to fancy you." Quatre opened his eyes, and stared at the wall. "Normally I don't allow that kind of behavior but I guess that for you, I can make an exception."
Quatre froze. Fear like he had never felt before traveled up and down his back, settling finally on his chest and fogging every thought. It wasn't until his pants and underwear were pulled down roughly that Quatre regained some sort of control. Ignoring the pain in his body, Quatre started to pull at his bonds, trying to break free from the wall and his helpless position.
When he felt hands sizing his hips, Quatre knew there was nothing to do. He fought anyway, pulling his hands harder, not caring that the friction was making the steel of the cuffs tear his skin.
The pain was like nothing he had ever felt before. He bit the inside of his lips, trying to hold back a scream. He kept pulling at the handcuffs, focusing on the pain in his hands so he wouldn't have to think about what was happening to him.
There was a small cracking sound before Quatre could feel himself falling face first on the floor, and a body falling over him. Matthews was still inside him. Quatre tried to push himself up and get away but there were hands still holding his hips. Another pair of hands grabbed his shoulders. Quatre looked up and saw the lieutenant looking down at him with a satisfied expression on his face. It was then that Quatre saw a broken metal hook near his grasp. The body on top of him was pinning him to the floor, but Quatre could move his upper body enough to lash at the lieutenant.
The lieutenant put a hand in front of him to deflect the blow. Quatre drove the hook into the man's hand and then pulled it free, tearing it open. The man let out a scream. He moved away from Quatre, holding his bloodied hand. With a curse he stood up, and delivered a kick to Quatre's head.
"Enough, Matthews! Let's go."
"But, Sir--"
"Now!"
Matthews pulled out, and stood up.
Quatre hissed and stayed on the floor, holding back the whimpers that threatened to come out.
The lieutenant was pointing a gun at him while Mathews zipped up his pants and put on his belt. They left, closing the door behind them.
"The door is electrified," said the lieutenant. "Don't try anything clever."
The lights went out and Quatre was left in darkness. He waited a few moments, not daring to move, until he was sure the lieutenant and Matthews were gone. Slowly, he straightened his shirt and pulled up his underwear and pants, hissing softly with every movement. He placed the hook in his pocket. It was the only weapon he had he might need to use it again. Then he lay down on the floor, and cried himself to sleep.
* * *
Duo had thought about leaving. He had considered taking Deathscythe and heading for that satellite, where he could make someone pay for what had happened, instead of staying and feeling helpless. He had walked by Quatre's room and had known, without going inside, that he couldn't leave. Quatre needed him here, not away trying to get revenge.
However, he couldn't get himself to walk in the room. Quatre had been moved from the medical bay back to his room, but Duo hadn't visited him again. He felt ashamed, and even though he knew Quatre didn't blame him, Duo couldn't get himself to face him.
Instead, he had locked himself in his own room, running away from the others and just trying to get some time alone to think.
"Duo, open up."
Duo buried his head on his pillow before he raised it again and screamed at Heero to go away. The soft hiss of the door opening told him that his words had been ignored.
"Get out, Yuy. I'm busy sulking and I don't need an audience."
Heero ignored him, and walked to the bed, standing beside where Duo was sitting. "You are acting stupidly."
Duo glared. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Heero right now. "Just get the fuck out."
Heero didn't even blink. "Quatre has been asking for you."
Duo lowered his eyes for a second before he raised them again. However, he didn't look at Heero's eyes, deciding to focus on his mouth. "I can't see him right now."
"He's not dead." For anyone else, Heero's voice would have seemed the same. Duo, however, could tell that the tone had changed slightly. Heero was frustrated.
"I know that," Duo said between clenched teeth. "But they ra—"
"He isn't broken either," Heero interrupted him. "Stop acting like he is."
Shaking his head, Duo lowered his eyes again. "It's my fault. How can I face him when what happened is my fault?"
In a split second, Heero placed a hand on Duo's chest and pushed him down, pinning him to the bed. Their faces were centimeters away. Heero spoke slowly, and his voice sounded like a growl. "The way you are acting is hurting him more than what happened." He paused for a moment but didn't relax his hold on Duo. "/You/ are the one breaking him."
Heero moved back and stood again, leaning on the wall. Duo remained where Heero had left him, looking up at the ceiling, and replaying Heero's words on his mind over and over again.
"You love him, right?"
Duo blinked and found himself nodding before he could even understand what he was answering.
Since their first meeting he and Quatre had instantly connected. Duo found himself smiling more when Quatre was around, feeling at ease, and forgetting for a moment that they were fighting a war.
It never lasted. Life always came crashing down on them, but they had at least those short moments to escape; a jock, a laugh and a smile that kept them sane and gave them the strength to fight another battle each day.
He sat up, understanding finally why he had been running from Quatre. He was afraid that those moments where now lost forever. "He hasn't smiled."
"He has," replied Heero. "You've been too busy sulking to see it."
Thinking beyond his guilt, Duo understood for the first time how his decision to stay away must have been making Quatre feel. "I left him alone," he whispered.
"You still have time. Go to him."
Duo nodded slowly, then stood up, gave Heero a grateful smile and headed to Quatre's room.
* * *
Trowa hadn't said where he had gotten the flute and the violin. He had just walked into the room carrying them and asked Quatre to play. Quatre had never felt so awkward while holding an instrument. The bow felt heavy in his hands and his fingers seemed to slow, too clumsy. Quatre kept playing anyway, noticing that Trowa changed his rhythm to match his when Quatre's fingers couldn't move fast enough.
The music felt good, even if making it was a challenge. Quatre knew his body would recover in time, and he would be able to play like he used to, but he wasn't willing to wait. He was determined to reclaim at least the music in his life, even if sorting out the rest would take more time.
The door opened slowly. Duo was there, standing just at the door, watching. Quatre smiled and kept playing, his eyes fixed on Duo. When the song ended, Trowa brought down his flute, said he would stop by later, and left. Duo entered the room and closed the door. Quatre placed the violin on the floor and waited for Duo to say something or at least take a seat.
Minutes passed before Duo took a hesitant step and then another, until he was sitting on the very edge of Quatre's bed, looking at the crumpled sheets. "I'm sorry."
It was time to have the conversation. Quatre had been able to talk to all the other pilots about what had happened, at least to a certain extent. Duo, however, was different. The fact that Duo knew what happened seemed infinitely worse than that the other pilots knew. Quatre was ashamed, hurt and afraid, but he knew that he couldn't run forever. He and Duo needed to talk, no matter how painful it could be.
"It wasn't your fault." It seemed cliché to say those words. Duo had probably heard them enough, but Quatre needed to say them too. It was important to release Duo from any guilt.
Duo didn't accept or deny the statement and just said, "I've been avoiding you."
Quatre knew that already. "I let you." They had both been avoiding each other. "I was afraid you would turn me away."
Duo's eyes widened. "Q, I would never, never, turn you away."
Shaking his head slowly, Quatre said, "Heero tells me I'm not broken. I don't think I am but I'm not well either." There were tears in his eyes but Quatre refused to let them fall. "I'm not sure I'll ever be again. I want to think that I will, but I don't know."
Duo leaned into Quatre. It was a slow movement but Quatre couldn't help but flinch. It was a reflex, just like when his hand moved automatically for a gun every time he heard a weird noise.
Quatre expected to see hurt in Duo's eyes, but instead there was an understanding smile. Duo moved back. "I'll let you come to me when you are ready. I'll wait. Just remember I'm here."
A single tear fell, traveling slowly down Quatre's cheek. Quatre ignored it and leaned towards Duo until their faces were centimeters away. He didn't know if he could do what he wanted to, he didn't know if he would flinch back at the last moment, but he would try.
His lips met Duo's. Quatre kept his eyes open, looking at the face in front of him, a face filled with surprise and… love.
Pulling back slowly, Quatre smiled but soon he was frowning again. He wanted to avoid Duo's eyes but after what he just did, he couldn't look away. Duo deserved better. "That was wrong."
Duo's smile quivered a little. "It didn't feel wrong to me."
"I think I just promised you something I'm not sure I can give." The words left an empty feeling in Quatre's chest. They hurt but he cared for Duo too much to fool him. Quatre wanted to be honest with him, even if it would drive him away.
"It was just a kiss." Duo's smile was sincere again. "I'll take what you can give, nothing more."
Hope found its way to Quatre's heart. He swallowed before he gave Duo one last warning, one last chance to pull away. "Maybe a kiss is all I can give."
Duo leaned towards Quatre again, but this time he stopped midway, looking at Quatre and waiting for a sign that it was okay to go on. Quatre nodded and Duo moved closer, until their foreheads were almost touching. Quatre didn't flinch. "Then maybe we can kiss forever," Duo said.
Quatre closed the remaining distance, bringing their lips together again. This time, he parted them, licked Duo's lips with the tip of his tongue, and pulled away, but remained closed to Duo, close enough to feel Duo's breath on his skin. Quatre smiled, and this time his smile was filled with hope.
"Be patient," he told Duo, "and forever might still come someday."
* * *
-The End -
This was difficult to write. I hope that the ones who read it enjoyed it. I need to write something happy now.
Rating: NC 17
Pairings: 2+4, OMCx4
Summary: Some battles are won and others are lost, but in a war the consequences are severe and not always honorable.
Warnings: Violence, graphic NCS/rape, torture, angst, language. This story explores dark topics; please don't read if you are offended by any of these subjects. Also Alternative Timeline and non-linear writing style.
Archive: Gundanium Line
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or the characters used in this fic.
Notes: Written for the Whumped!Quatre Ficathon, filling Harvest Blue's request.
Thanks a lot to Anne for the beta and all the help and support while writing the fic.
___
Part Three
"You are not broken."
Quatre looked up at Heero's words, shock evident on his face. It was the reaction Heero was expecting. It was time for Quatre to stop wallowing in self pity and move on.
"Sally says it's time for you to do some light exercise. If you remain lying down your muscles won't recover."
The bruises were already fading, and the last time Sally had changed the bandages she had said that the welts and the bullet graze were healing nicely, even if there might be some scarring. Quatre's physical injuries were not so severe, but Heero feared that if they let him stay in bed, hiding from the world, Quatre's mind might never recover.
It was important to show him that he was still needed, and especially to let him know that he could still fight, that even if what had happened had changed him, it wouldn't cripple him, not if he didn't allow it.
"I ensured that the small training room would be empty. The walk there should help you warm up, and then just some stretches and light muscle exercise."
With some help, Quatre had been getting out of bed more and more. He was able to go to the bathroom without assistance now, and he had taken a shower yesterday.
"Thank you, Heero."
Quatre was still avoiding Heero's eyes for the most. It troubled Heero. He had grown used to a confident Quatre who would return his glares with a calm stare and refuse to lower his eyes. "I thought I had your respect, Quatre."
Quatre looked puzzled. "Of course you do, Heero. Why would you think otherwise?"
"You are not looking at me."
Sitting on the bed, and getting ready to stand up, Quatre still refused to meet Heero's eyes, focusing instead on a spot above his right shoulder. "I…" Quatre shook his head. "After what happened…" A sigh and another shake of his head. "I know it doesn't make me any less, but it does make me feel that way. I'm not sure I deserve respect anymore."
Heero helped Quatre up from bed, putting a hand around Quatre's waist to support him. Quatre was tense for a moment, but after a deep breath he relaxed a bit. It wasn't that Quatre need help walking anymore, he didn't, but Heero figured he still needed support.
They walked quietly to the training room, and Heero refused to let Quatre go. The few people they encountered in the hallways gave them weird looks, probably not used to seeing Heero display any type of affection.
Quatre's right leg was already stronger, but Heero suggested some light weight exercises to slowly get it to its former strength. During a break, Heero handed Quatre a bottle of water and sat beside him.
"You earned my respect a long time ago, Quatre. You still have it."
Quatre raised his eyes this time. "Thank you."
"It wasn't your fault." Heero didn't know why he had spoken those words. Of course it wasn't Quatre's fault. They all knew the risks when they'd decided to involve themselves in a war, but that didn't make what had happened to Quatre something he should have expected. Some people had honor in battle, others didn't. Quatre had met the latter.
"No, it wasn't, but it was a consequence of my actions." Quatre paused but continued before Heero could say anything. "Fault implies a previous wrong action that leads to its consequence." He smiled at Heero. "I don't think I acted wrongly that time. And I would do it again."
"I don't understand."
Quatre kept his eyes fixed on Heero, and for a moment, those eyes showed none of the fear, sadness or melancholy they had for the last few days. "I don't regret it."
Heero frowned. "You are speaking in riddles."
"What happened to me, it was retribution." One of Quatre's hands was placed over his heart. "I killed his friend."
"It's war," Heero said. "People die."
Quatre nodded. "That's true, but I've always been reluctant to let /my/ friends die." There was something Quatre wasn't telling him. "If he had gotten Duo, he would have killed him. What happened to me was the lesser of two evils." He got up and headed for the showers, beside the training room. "Thank you, Heero."
The only instance in which Quatre wouldn't regret killing would be if it was absolutely necessary. "You killed the man's friend to protect someone," Heero stated, understanding what Quatre wasn't saying.
Without turning around, Quatre paused. "Yes."
"Who?"
It wasn't until Quatre had closed the shower doors that Heero heard the whispered reply. "You."
* * *
Something had gone wrong. There weren't supposed to be so many soldiers in the factory, nor were they meant to be so heavily armed. The explosion had gone off as planned but Quatre hadn't expected to find an OZ squad on his way out. He ran straight into them and barely had the time to duck behind some metal remains before they opened fire.
In the time it took him to take out both his guns he had made the decision. He could try to outrun them, head for the east side, and hope to reach his suit before he was shot. But that was Duo's escape route. If he managed to get there in one piece, then he would be leading the soldiers to his friend. The decision was simple: a slim chance for them both to get away, or a very good one for Duo to get away, alone.
Quatre fired five rounds and three soldiers went down. The remaining men took cover, and started to fire from behind a wall. Their shots were wild and none of them even came close to hitting Quatre. He crouched low on the floor and peeked quickly from behind his metal shield. One of the soldiers was doing the same. Quatre aimed and fired. The soldier went down.
A shadow on his left caught Quatre's attention. A soldier was sneaking from behind, his gun raised and pointed at Quatre. Quatre fired but it was too late. The soldier had already shot his weapon. Quatre's right leg gave in under him, and he collapsed. The bullet had hit his calf. His leg wouldn't be able to hold his weight. There was no where to run.
He managed to drag himself to the nearest wall, leaning there. His guns were raised. The soldiers would come but he would take down as many as possible. He shot two more before the one who had shot him tackled him. One of Quatre's guns slid from his fingers, but he used the other to shoot the soldier.
As soon as the shot was fired, a foot connected with Quatre's wrist, and the gun was knocked away. The soldier had provided his comrades with enough time to reach Quatre, and now he was surrounded. In one last futile attempt, Quatre took the knife from his boot and slashed one of the soldier's legs. He was repaid with a kick in the head and a man stepping on his injured leg. The pain proved to be all the distraction the soldiers needed and soon also the knife was kicked away from his hand.
Quatre couldn't tell how many men were standing above him but he knew that he had lost his fight. Someone stripped him of his jacket. No words were spoken and no orders were given but whenever Quatre tried to resist, the soldier stepping on his leg would apply more pressure. They forced his hands in front of him and handcuffed him, then they dragged him up.
There was a man on either side of him, holding him upright. They dragged him down the corridors. Quatre limped, trying to stay off his right leg and hissing quietly with every step. There was a man at the end of the corridor. Quatre recognized him immediately.
"Congratulations, gentlemen. We have found ourselves a Gundam pilot."
Quatre hid a small relieved smile. Duo had gotten away.
* * *
Heero sat on Wing Zero's open cockpit, annoyed that there was nothing for him to do. Working on his Gundam always helped him focus, it was the thing he did when he didn't want to dwell on unwanted thoughts or regrets. However, Howard's mechanics took care of his suit now, and there was nothing left for him to fix or add. Wing Zero was in perfect condition.
"Heero."
Looking down, he saw Trowa standing on the cat walk. "We are meeting in the common room."
Jumping down, Heero joined Trowa and they walked together silently. Wufei and Duo were already there. Wufei was leaning on the wall and Duo sitting on a chair by the table. Heero's first thoughts were who was with Quatre.
"Sally is taking care of Q," answered Duo, without waiting for Heero to ask.
Heero nodded, and leaned against the door, waiting patiently for someone to explain what the meeting was about. Trowa chose to take the seat in front of Duo.
Wufei spoke first. "Treize's army is approaching, and we are getting closer to the Libra. It won't be long till we have to fight another battle, and it's important for us to decide if Winner is be able to join us."
"Sally says that his injuries are healed enough," Duo replied. "He's not one hundred percent but, physically, he can pilot."
"Physically," repeated Trowa slowly.
"His state of mind took the worse shock. We've all spent some time with him," continued Wufei. "Now we need to decide if he would be an advantage in battle or a liability."
"That's for Quatre to decide," Heero stated. Quatre was the only one who could make a decision like that. He wouldn't stay behind if he thought he could fight or go into battle fearing risking everyone's lives. Quatre would need to judge what was best. He wouldn't let anyone make that decision for him, none of them would.
Wufei nodded. "Yes it is, but whatever he decides affects all of us." Duo was about to say something but Wufei held up a hand and continued. "After speaking with Winner, I think he is in condition to battle… and lead us."
"He's not broken," said Heero, "and we need him."
Trowa nodded in agreement. "He needs to fight, to know he's still useful and capable."
They all turned to Duo, who was looking down at his hands and acting unusually quiet. When he spoke, his voice sounded soft, almost as if he was lost in thought. "I don't want him to get hurt, but I think it'll be worse if we try to force him to stay. I still trust him, and I don't want him to get the wrong impression." He raised his head, and his eyes were sparkling dangerously. His voice was low and controlled. "I want to go back to the satellite and kill the mother fuckers who did this to him."
Wufei shook his head. "We don't have the time to go back there now. We need to get closer to Libra. That's our objective."
Duo stood up. "Then I'll go alone." His hands were closed into tight fists and his posture was tense. "It was my fault. It's the least I can do."
Heero walked towards Duo and put a hand on his shoulder, pushing him softly so he would sit back down. Duo didn't budge. "Quatre let himself get captured so you could get out. I won't let you waste his sacrifice."
The words hit Duo like a punch. Heero could see the hurt look in Duo's face before Duo gave up and collapsed on his chair. "It wasn't your fault," said Heero.
Duo gave a bitter laugh. "You just said it was, Yuy."
"It wasn't," repeated Heero firmly. "It's as much your fault as it was Quatre's, or mine."
"Not to spoil your little speech, Yuy, but you have nothing to do here." Duo leaned back on his chair.
Trowa and Wufei were watching the conversation quietly, seemingly preferring not to get involved for the moment.
"He didn't say it, but I believe that the man who raped Quatre was one of the soldiers who captured us in the abandoned colony, after the Zero system incident." Heero noticed that Duo's expression was curious, but that the anger was still there, waiting for a moment when it could be unleashed. Heero continued. "I don't remember much. I had a contusion but I have flashes of one soldier, who kept hitting me. I think I broke his leg or did something to anger him, and he decided I wasn't worth the trouble and took out his gun to shoot me."
"Quatre stopped him," said Trowa.
"He killed him," said Heero. "Snapped his neck before he had time to shoot. Transport for the moon base arrived before the soldiers could take reprisals."
"So you are saying the son of a bitch knew the dead guy?" Duo was standing up again. "That's why he," he shook his head, "why he fucking raped Q?"
"Quatre thinks so." Heero didn't stand up and just looked up at Duo from his seat. "He's also relieved that they didn't catch you. He would have taken his retribution on you."
"You are not going back to the satellite," Trowa said firmly and Wufei nodded in agreement.
Duo glared at them, whispered a curse and left. The other three let him go, knowing he needed some time alone.
* * *
Quatre opened his eyes at the sound of the door. He hadn't been sleeping, but keeping his eyes open when the place was so dark seemed like a futile endeavor. His arms had long ago fallen asleep but the rest of his body still ached after the beating. Maintaining his standing position on the wall was placing too much pressure on his injured leg and tiring the other.
It took a few seconds for Quatre to adjust his eyes to the light filling the room. There were two men walking towards him. Quatre tried to stand up as straight as possible and waited.
Matthews was following the man Quatre had recognized, the one the soldiers had addressed as lieutenant. They entered the cell and closed the doors behind them.
"Matthews tells me you haven't cooperated." The man gave Quatre an ugly sneer. "I was hoping you wouldn't."
"The man I killed was your friend." The words made Quatre's throat hurt. "I'm sorry."
"You are not sorry yet, but you'll be."
A gun was placed under Quatre's chin, forcing his head up. Rough hands lifted his arms until he was free from the wall, just to turn him around, and push him face first to it. The gun pressed to his chin was a clear threat, resistance wouldn't be tolerated. His hands were raised again over his head and the handcuffs' chain hooked to the wall. The gun was removed and Quatre was left standing, looking at the wall.
Quatre could feel his breathing going faster and faster. He tried to make his breaths shallow. He didn't want them to know he was scared. His heart was beating hard, and Quatre thought it sounded as loud as a drum in the quiet cell.
The silence worried him. Quatre expected to hear demands for information or insults but not this silence that seemed to make more difficult to hide how nervous he was. Someone grabbed his shirt and pulled it up, exposing his back. Quatre held his breath.
It wasn't a fist that hit him, but something sharp that left a stinging sensation on his back. With the second hit Quatre's mind supplied the answer: they were using a belt. They asked questions then but Quatre focused his mind on the pain, refusing to hear them, to acknowledge that there was a way to make it stop. If he screamed, he ignored that too.
Quatre didn't realize that he had closed his eyes tightly until he heard the lieutenant, speaking close to him. "Matthews here is a good soldier, and he seems to fancy you." Quatre opened his eyes, and stared at the wall. "Normally I don't allow that kind of behavior but I guess that for you, I can make an exception."
Quatre froze. Fear like he had never felt before traveled up and down his back, settling finally on his chest and fogging every thought. It wasn't until his pants and underwear were pulled down roughly that Quatre regained some sort of control. Ignoring the pain in his body, Quatre started to pull at his bonds, trying to break free from the wall and his helpless position.
When he felt hands sizing his hips, Quatre knew there was nothing to do. He fought anyway, pulling his hands harder, not caring that the friction was making the steel of the cuffs tear his skin.
The pain was like nothing he had ever felt before. He bit the inside of his lips, trying to hold back a scream. He kept pulling at the handcuffs, focusing on the pain in his hands so he wouldn't have to think about what was happening to him.
There was a small cracking sound before Quatre could feel himself falling face first on the floor, and a body falling over him. Matthews was still inside him. Quatre tried to push himself up and get away but there were hands still holding his hips. Another pair of hands grabbed his shoulders. Quatre looked up and saw the lieutenant looking down at him with a satisfied expression on his face. It was then that Quatre saw a broken metal hook near his grasp. The body on top of him was pinning him to the floor, but Quatre could move his upper body enough to lash at the lieutenant.
The lieutenant put a hand in front of him to deflect the blow. Quatre drove the hook into the man's hand and then pulled it free, tearing it open. The man let out a scream. He moved away from Quatre, holding his bloodied hand. With a curse he stood up, and delivered a kick to Quatre's head.
"Enough, Matthews! Let's go."
"But, Sir--"
"Now!"
Matthews pulled out, and stood up.
Quatre hissed and stayed on the floor, holding back the whimpers that threatened to come out.
The lieutenant was pointing a gun at him while Mathews zipped up his pants and put on his belt. They left, closing the door behind them.
"The door is electrified," said the lieutenant. "Don't try anything clever."
The lights went out and Quatre was left in darkness. He waited a few moments, not daring to move, until he was sure the lieutenant and Matthews were gone. Slowly, he straightened his shirt and pulled up his underwear and pants, hissing softly with every movement. He placed the hook in his pocket. It was the only weapon he had he might need to use it again. Then he lay down on the floor, and cried himself to sleep.
* * *
Duo had thought about leaving. He had considered taking Deathscythe and heading for that satellite, where he could make someone pay for what had happened, instead of staying and feeling helpless. He had walked by Quatre's room and had known, without going inside, that he couldn't leave. Quatre needed him here, not away trying to get revenge.
However, he couldn't get himself to walk in the room. Quatre had been moved from the medical bay back to his room, but Duo hadn't visited him again. He felt ashamed, and even though he knew Quatre didn't blame him, Duo couldn't get himself to face him.
Instead, he had locked himself in his own room, running away from the others and just trying to get some time alone to think.
"Duo, open up."
Duo buried his head on his pillow before he raised it again and screamed at Heero to go away. The soft hiss of the door opening told him that his words had been ignored.
"Get out, Yuy. I'm busy sulking and I don't need an audience."
Heero ignored him, and walked to the bed, standing beside where Duo was sitting. "You are acting stupidly."
Duo glared. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Heero right now. "Just get the fuck out."
Heero didn't even blink. "Quatre has been asking for you."
Duo lowered his eyes for a second before he raised them again. However, he didn't look at Heero's eyes, deciding to focus on his mouth. "I can't see him right now."
"He's not dead." For anyone else, Heero's voice would have seemed the same. Duo, however, could tell that the tone had changed slightly. Heero was frustrated.
"I know that," Duo said between clenched teeth. "But they ra—"
"He isn't broken either," Heero interrupted him. "Stop acting like he is."
Shaking his head, Duo lowered his eyes again. "It's my fault. How can I face him when what happened is my fault?"
In a split second, Heero placed a hand on Duo's chest and pushed him down, pinning him to the bed. Their faces were centimeters away. Heero spoke slowly, and his voice sounded like a growl. "The way you are acting is hurting him more than what happened." He paused for a moment but didn't relax his hold on Duo. "/You/ are the one breaking him."
Heero moved back and stood again, leaning on the wall. Duo remained where Heero had left him, looking up at the ceiling, and replaying Heero's words on his mind over and over again.
"You love him, right?"
Duo blinked and found himself nodding before he could even understand what he was answering.
Since their first meeting he and Quatre had instantly connected. Duo found himself smiling more when Quatre was around, feeling at ease, and forgetting for a moment that they were fighting a war.
It never lasted. Life always came crashing down on them, but they had at least those short moments to escape; a jock, a laugh and a smile that kept them sane and gave them the strength to fight another battle each day.
He sat up, understanding finally why he had been running from Quatre. He was afraid that those moments where now lost forever. "He hasn't smiled."
"He has," replied Heero. "You've been too busy sulking to see it."
Thinking beyond his guilt, Duo understood for the first time how his decision to stay away must have been making Quatre feel. "I left him alone," he whispered.
"You still have time. Go to him."
Duo nodded slowly, then stood up, gave Heero a grateful smile and headed to Quatre's room.
* * *
Trowa hadn't said where he had gotten the flute and the violin. He had just walked into the room carrying them and asked Quatre to play. Quatre had never felt so awkward while holding an instrument. The bow felt heavy in his hands and his fingers seemed to slow, too clumsy. Quatre kept playing anyway, noticing that Trowa changed his rhythm to match his when Quatre's fingers couldn't move fast enough.
The music felt good, even if making it was a challenge. Quatre knew his body would recover in time, and he would be able to play like he used to, but he wasn't willing to wait. He was determined to reclaim at least the music in his life, even if sorting out the rest would take more time.
The door opened slowly. Duo was there, standing just at the door, watching. Quatre smiled and kept playing, his eyes fixed on Duo. When the song ended, Trowa brought down his flute, said he would stop by later, and left. Duo entered the room and closed the door. Quatre placed the violin on the floor and waited for Duo to say something or at least take a seat.
Minutes passed before Duo took a hesitant step and then another, until he was sitting on the very edge of Quatre's bed, looking at the crumpled sheets. "I'm sorry."
It was time to have the conversation. Quatre had been able to talk to all the other pilots about what had happened, at least to a certain extent. Duo, however, was different. The fact that Duo knew what happened seemed infinitely worse than that the other pilots knew. Quatre was ashamed, hurt and afraid, but he knew that he couldn't run forever. He and Duo needed to talk, no matter how painful it could be.
"It wasn't your fault." It seemed cliché to say those words. Duo had probably heard them enough, but Quatre needed to say them too. It was important to release Duo from any guilt.
Duo didn't accept or deny the statement and just said, "I've been avoiding you."
Quatre knew that already. "I let you." They had both been avoiding each other. "I was afraid you would turn me away."
Duo's eyes widened. "Q, I would never, never, turn you away."
Shaking his head slowly, Quatre said, "Heero tells me I'm not broken. I don't think I am but I'm not well either." There were tears in his eyes but Quatre refused to let them fall. "I'm not sure I'll ever be again. I want to think that I will, but I don't know."
Duo leaned into Quatre. It was a slow movement but Quatre couldn't help but flinch. It was a reflex, just like when his hand moved automatically for a gun every time he heard a weird noise.
Quatre expected to see hurt in Duo's eyes, but instead there was an understanding smile. Duo moved back. "I'll let you come to me when you are ready. I'll wait. Just remember I'm here."
A single tear fell, traveling slowly down Quatre's cheek. Quatre ignored it and leaned towards Duo until their faces were centimeters away. He didn't know if he could do what he wanted to, he didn't know if he would flinch back at the last moment, but he would try.
His lips met Duo's. Quatre kept his eyes open, looking at the face in front of him, a face filled with surprise and… love.
Pulling back slowly, Quatre smiled but soon he was frowning again. He wanted to avoid Duo's eyes but after what he just did, he couldn't look away. Duo deserved better. "That was wrong."
Duo's smile quivered a little. "It didn't feel wrong to me."
"I think I just promised you something I'm not sure I can give." The words left an empty feeling in Quatre's chest. They hurt but he cared for Duo too much to fool him. Quatre wanted to be honest with him, even if it would drive him away.
"It was just a kiss." Duo's smile was sincere again. "I'll take what you can give, nothing more."
Hope found its way to Quatre's heart. He swallowed before he gave Duo one last warning, one last chance to pull away. "Maybe a kiss is all I can give."
Duo leaned towards Quatre again, but this time he stopped midway, looking at Quatre and waiting for a sign that it was okay to go on. Quatre nodded and Duo moved closer, until their foreheads were almost touching. Quatre didn't flinch. "Then maybe we can kiss forever," Duo said.
Quatre closed the remaining distance, bringing their lips together again. This time, he parted them, licked Duo's lips with the tip of his tongue, and pulled away, but remained closed to Duo, close enough to feel Duo's breath on his skin. Quatre smiled, and this time his smile was filled with hope.
"Be patient," he told Duo, "and forever might still come someday."
* * *
-The End -
This was difficult to write. I hope that the ones who read it enjoyed it. I need to write something happy now.